Shhhhh... not so loud

So I have a KILLER hangover today. I love beer a lot (probably average about 3-4 beers a week) but holy shit if it doesn't give me hangover headaches like a mo fo. Today is a prime example. My head hurts so much I want to have it physically removed in order to place it in a large vat of liquid tylenol. Eww... mental picture.

So, I have some funny news. Seems my friend (she asked to remain nameless, so to honor her wishes I'll call her...) Jesus' Mom has a dog that can... how shall I put this... stir the soup, you know please herself. Now, my first question (and yours too, I'm sure) was - "So she licks herself?"

Cause let's face it, there is nay a man out there who if given the same opportunity wouldn't do the EXACT same thing. Now other women - I can't really speak for too many of y'all. I know that personally, I am less likely to say I'd do it. Maybe once, but hardly more than that. It's quite distracting of a process and honestly I don't think I could concentrate enough to get the job done. But I digress.

Back to the question "So she licks herself?" Apparently, this is not what Jesus' Mom meant. Seems her dog (we'll call her "Saccharine", again for anonymity purposes) uses her PAWS to please herself, you know play the invisible banjo. We're talking full throttle here folks. She's even ... uhm... VOCAL. Some whimpering and whatnot.

I have to say y'all, this is about one of the nastiest/coolest/hottest things I've ever heard in my life.

And it didn't hurt that I was pretty drunk at this point.

So, immediately we all start to think of ways to capitalize on this very delicate situation. I do feel a bit embarrassed for Jesus' Mom, but I gotta admit, she sat there and listened to us like a trooper.

First, there's the obvious - VIDEO! We have to get this shit on video. I mean, HELLO? America's Funniest Home Videos. Or one of those more applicable home video shows on Animal Planet? Doesn't really matter which, but someone's gonna want it.

Can't you just imagine the video commentary?
Dog Voice-Over: Oh, I just hate this new flea powder, it just makes me scratch and scratch all day long!

Personally, I told her she should get a webcam and start a website. I'm sure there are several freaks out there who are into canine masturbation (And for those who did in fact search for "canine masturbation" and you found yourself here - WELCOME. You NASTY!) and would pay good money to see Saccharine applying lip gloss (NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINK) all day long.

Regardless - I think it's awesome. And I'm very glad to hear that on those cold, lonely nights, Saccharine will be just fine all by herself.