Fear

I'm not scared. He said I sounded scared in my blog. But I'm not. I mean, what would I have to fear?

I have enough control of my emotions to not let myself get sucked in again. I'm not some naive 19 year old anymore looking for someone to love me.

I love myself. I take care of myself. I only need myself.

Oh shit. He's right. I'm scared. I am afraid that when I meet him I will start to think that my feelings for him are stronger than friendship.

I am so sick of this. So sick of this damn cycle.

Now mind you, I've never been in this exact situation before, but I HAVE fooled myself into thinking I had feelings for a guy friend before.

It's classic me.

In fact, it's a complex I have had so often (4x now) I am starting to think it should be named after me. The "Arianna Syndrome"... when ridiculous, sappy fools (like myself) start to think that they have romantic feelings for someone they are friends with... only to be rejected and reduced to "I only think of you as a friend" status. And then of course, the friendship is ultimately doomed. Not gone, but definitely never the same.

Of course, I am counting my chickens before they are hatched. It's not as though I have been in this situation with every guy friend I've ever had.

It's hard enough that I feel that the right guy (soulmate? - maybe, maybe not, not quite sure if I believe in soulmates for sure just yet) for me WILL be my friend... I mean, with pretty much every boyfriend I've ever had, we were never friends in the way that I would describe him as such. In fact, I remember Chris, and old bf I dated before graduating from college (and a few months afterwards), used to be furious with me BECAUSE he said I cared about my friends more than him. He would say that my friends were a bigger priority in my life than he was. And in a way, he was probably right. Things would have been easier if he had been my friend AND my lover, rather than just my boyfriend. (I wonder why I used the phrase "just my boyfriend"? Hmmm, something to think about later. But I digress.) At least easier for him. But he wasn't. We weren't "friends".

I'm straying from the subject here. I think the important part of all this is to analyze my feelings and to dissect them, that way when I meet him, I have moved past all this... and I can just look at it the way he does - a chance to finally meet an old friend.