My 25th Birthday

That was SOME night. It wasn't nearly as rowdy as you may think - but I do think it's a story ready for tellin'.

This was almost two years ago - back when my one of best friend's Erin was still living here in San Antonio.

So, some friends and I went out to eat as a group to celebrate. There were about 10 of us. Mixed friends - probably about half and half men and women. As dinner was ending, one of my friends asked me "So, Arianna, what do you want to do now?" And after careful consideration I replied, "I want to go to the Megaplexxx".

Notice the 3 X's?

Yes, that's right. I told my friends I wanted to go to a porn shop. Now, the Megaplexxx isn't some sleezy hole in the wall "Adult Video" store. You know, the kind where it looks like a 20' X 20' brick box without windows and a parking lot hidden in the back without lights. This store is really big, well lit and almost quite respectable. I had been there a couple of times before, ya know. Nothing major.

So a couple of the guys and one couple said they had some stuff to do and would have to catch up with the rest of us later... but the majority of peeps were in! Leaving me w/3 female friends and 2 guy friends.

And off we went. As we get there, the guy at the door promptly cards us "Thank you". Believe it or not the guy behind the counter puts two and two together and says "Hey, Happy Birthday!"

"Thanks! Can I get a discount?" I joke.

"Sure he says!! 10% off anything you want!"

I'm thinking, eh, it's not much of a deal, besides I'm really there to just browse and chuckle it up w/my friends. I remember at one point mentioning to my best friend, that for some reason I had always wanted to go into one of the back rooms to see what all the fuss was about. But I admitted I'd never had the guts to go before. She just laughed at me and walked off.

So then I'm walking around w/another friend and a different guy behind the counter, with a whip in his hands no less, starts talking to me.

"So it's your birthday, huh?" WHACK!!!!

"Yes, it is." WHACK!!

"How about a birthday spanking?!?" WHACK!!!

"Oh, hahahaha! No thanks. Maybe later." YIKES!! FREAK!!! GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

My friends all think this is a riot. The two guys left are a little bit on the whigged out side, so they decide to bounce.

Pussies.
(uh oh, hopefully my mom doesn't ever google "pussies" so she'll never see this blog!)

Anyway, moving on. I'm perusing the accessories section and as I'm just sort of looking, the original guy behind the counter (we'll call him Quincy so as to avoid anymore confusion) walks over and says "You know what. Since it's your birthday, 20% off anything you want." I'm thinking - SHIT! Now I actually have to buy something, especially since he made it a point to come over and lower the so-called discount.

So I decided, it was time to get one. My first. Ever. I'm practically the last girl on the block to get one. Had to happen some time, right? Before you think otherwise, I am a CHEAP ASS bitch. I am such a cheapskate it's ridiculous (well, except when it comes to cell phones. Heh.). So I went for the cheapest (thereby smallest) one I could get. It MAYBE cost me $8 before the discount. MAYBE.

But before I could purchase it - my best friend walks over w/a key dangling from this huge wooden paddle and a wad of ones and says "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" At first I was like "Look, Erin, I like you a lot. But I mean, I don't think you're exactly my type. I've already told you - your boobs are too small." She proceeds to call me a bizatch and says "no, this is a key to a room in the back and the ones are for a movie."

NO WAY! YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND A WOMAN COULD EVER ASK FOR!!

So I tentatively (secretly wishing I could run without looking like a complete perv) walk towards the back of the store and around the back hallway to room 1. I open the door and casually look inside. There are 2 metal chairs, a paper towel dispenser (clearly for those random occasions when you accidentally spill your coke on the floor), and two big screen TVs. Oh, and a dollar dispensing machine of sorts.

Not knowing what the hell I'm doing I walk in and sit down. I slide in a buck and try to figure out how to work the channels. I hear someone walking down the hallway and I look up and there's poor Quincy. "Uhm, ma'am you have to CLOSE the door when you're in these rooms."

Oh. Yeah. I knew that.

So I close the door. And after about 5 minutes, the dollar is up. I am so bored I nearly fell asleep on the very uncomfortable metal chairs. I get up and walk out of the room. I walk over to my friend Erin.

She says "You're done?!? That was fast."

"WHAT?! What the hell did you think I was going to DO in that room ?!?!" She just shrugged. I grabbed her hand and said "It's boring, you're coming back there w/me." She puts up a little argument, but I put my foot down. It IS my birthday after all.

We go in. She's like "Ewww.. a paper towel dispenser" and then she TURNS ON THE LIGHT.

"WHAT?!? There's a light in here?" She started to laugh "You sat here in the dark."

"No. Well, yeah. So."

We sit down and stick in a buck. 6 minutes later I walk out a changed woman. No. Not really. Actually, we both decide it's completely overrated and walk out. I'm thinking hey at least it was only 2 bucks we dropped.

I decide to go ahead and pick up my (ahem) purchase. I go up the counter and FREAKO whipping boy is still WHACKING the whip around.
"Are you sure you don't want a birthday spanking?" WHACK!!

HELL NO!

"Nah, but I think my friend Erin might. See that tall, blonde girl over in the 'Chicks w/Dicks' section. Yeah, you should ask her."

HA! That'll TEACH HER!

So apparently the procedure for purchasing (ahem, YOU KNOW) such items is that they must test them before you leave the store. So he proceeds to open it up right there at the counter and toss in a AA battery to show me that yes, it works properly.

OH! MY! GOD!

"Why do you that?" I ask. "Well, because we don't accept returns or exchanges for so-called faulty items", Quincy replied.

OH.

So I pay for my birthday gift to myself. And as my friends and I are walking out the door Quincy says "But if for some reason it doesn't work properly be sure to give us a call and we'll send someone right over to troubleshoot".

Oh, yes. I'll be sure to do that!

Yeah, right!